December 16, 1994
 

Today I recall a conversation I once had. With whom and where I can not recall. It seems like it was a long car ride thing. In the memory, I feel young and am trying to explain my life, and beliefs. My explanation causes my friend to peg me as an existentialist. Fearing for my soul, he proceeds to explain to me the dangers of existentialism. ìExistentialism leads logically to nihilism. Nihilism leads logically to suicide.î He said, ìThe only way to avoid this logical trap is to grab onto something and have faith.î It didnít matter what; God, love, science, human nature, but I should save myself now.

I was young and invincible. What ever the dangers of my life, I could handle them. What I felt then was a strong sense of self preservation, though I couldnít explain it well, then. I told him that I didnít feel suicidal, and that I would be fine, and thanked for him for the learned refresher on the specific meanings of philosophical terms.

I hadnít thought of that conversation again until this day. I donít know if it has been four, six, or eight years, but I have reached the dreaded nihilism. I can define myself in no terms, save what I feel right now. I do not know of any relationships that define me. Neither do I have a future goal, nor does my past offer definition. I am living in a void.

It is not logic but skepticism that had brought me here. I did not deduce that there is nothing in life I found it out. I tried belief in science, human nature, myself, and love. None of these things had all the answers. I have found nothing to believe in but I am still looking.

I suppose I believe there is something for me, some purpose that I will serve. This belief keeps me ever wondering, wandering, and searching.

Today I am tired. I am reminded of everything that does not call me, and am drawn nowhere further. I only have today.