1986
 
 

Nothing and everything to keep me going on through this endless quagmire of life. There seems to be nothing ahead and no remembrance seems to have any importance. There are no feelings of love, hate, like or dislike. The feelings are more shallow, fear, apprehension, anticipation, cold. There is no will to eat yet drink is soothing. Every thought and feeling seems to have an effect on my material body.  I feel that nothing is behind or at present, but I know that there had been a past and there is a present. Perhaps both past and present have a significance beyond trying to hold me back. There is  something bright in the future. This light is warming my mind, yet my body is chilled. My mind would accept this light, wholly, while my heart beats with apprehension and fear. It seems to me that all other thoughts of philosophy or being will stand still until I have met my light of future tense. Speech seems extraneous. I must push myself to utter the the faintest sigh, yet writing is easy and almost as fluid as speech should be. What is this thing that affects me so? Help!