1986
Nothing and everything to keep me going
on through this endless quagmire of life. There seems to be nothing ahead
and no remembrance seems to have any importance. There are no feelings
of love, hate, like or dislike. The feelings are more shallow, fear, apprehension,
anticipation, cold. There is no will to eat yet drink is soothing. Every
thought and feeling seems to have an effect on my material body.
I feel that nothing is behind or at present, but I know that there had
been a past and there is a present. Perhaps both past and present have
a significance beyond trying to hold me back. There is something
bright in the future. This light is warming my mind, yet my body is chilled.
My mind would accept this light, wholly, while my heart beats with apprehension
and fear. It seems to me that all other thoughts of philosophy or being
will stand still until I have met my light of future tense. Speech seems
extraneous. I must push myself to utter the the faintest sigh, yet writing
is easy and almost as fluid as speech should be. What is this thing that
affects me so? Help!