August 3, 2000  For Ella...

Unirondack is such a funny place. It is where I work, in case you didn't know. And it is pretty much the sole reason that I have not been writing in the last two months. This digest was developing as the excuse, the reasons why I have never been able to and never will be able to write about the summer. But that is not, now, what I have to say.

This digest is for Ella.

11 Years ago was my first year on staff. Work ethic was something that I had always prided myself on having plenty of, and it made me a good staff member then. But over the years I have learned that it takes so much more to be a great staff member. I have never heard a phrase that describes it all in one, but I feel that it is one thing. It differs from work ethic in that it is more personally motivated. Work ethic implies that someone is telling you what to do and you do it without questioning. This thing, let's call it x for ease. When you are x, you can see what needs to be done and you just do it. When you are x, you feel personal responsibility for your actions, and how they affect others and the community. (For those of you who don't know Unirondack, community is sacred, and knowing how you affect it is key, to learning and teaching) When you are x, you would rather do something yourself to see it done well, than take that time off, or hand it to someone who is not as excited about it. When you are x, you take on all this work, and somehow you still enjoy it, at least until you are too exhausted to get your head off of your pillow.

I see where you think I am heading. You think I am describing a workaholic, or some type ëAí controller. I know that is what it sounds like, but that is not IT at all. This is all something that you chose. This is all because you deeply believe in the importance of what you are doing. The crowning glory of it all is that you do it all for yourself and not the praise of others. And it makes you happy.

This week I have made myself exhausted to the point of not being able to lift my head off the pillow. I have to admit that it has been partly from doing purely selfish things. I have struggled with camp these past 11 years. Every time I come back, I say that camp will not have my life. Unirondack will not steal every minute of my time, every thought in my head, and every drop of my energy. But then I get caught up in it again. How could I possibly let some part of the community fall apart when I am able to do something that will help? This summer I am at the end of some very long rope. Maybe it is that I am more determined than ever to still have some part of my life. Maybe I am just so bitter from fixing the same things over and over. (I have to say that this week, after 16 years of filling holes in the road, I have finally lost my will to fight erosion. I'm ready to throw in the shovel, as it were, and let it revert to nature.)

It is those X-y people that I have appreciated so much over the years, both professionally as coworkers and personally. I have a great appreciation for someone who will step in and right a wrong when they see it. I can't think of one of my friends that I wouldn't call X-y. I wonder if some of that is just that I know when those people are around, I will have to carry less of the  load myself.

This morning, I am hating the X in myself. I hate that I am so tired, and that I blame the X. I blame the X for making me so frustrated. Maybe if I had never been able to see people who needed help, maybe if I just did what I was told to do, maybe this morning, I would not be so tired and frustrated. I have a similar feeling about love, but Shakespeare's, ìBetter to have loved and lost that never to have loved at all,î contains no solace for me on this matter.

But then there is that Ella. A few staff have discovered that my house is a quiet place to have a day off, where nothing will disturb your rest, and the beds are comfortable. So Ella and others stayed a few nights ago. I am collecting a pile of notes from people who have stayed. Some are virtual notes on my computer, some are paper. And Ella's note is here.

In a way, I hate this. But then I feel better too. But, damn it, when someone reminds you what is important and what you are doing, and why you made those choices. It is such a shock when you have decided to let the road wash away, and become misanthropic. Just when you have decided that you can't lift your head off of the pillow, and that you will leave it there forever, someone has to remind you what is important to you. And Ella's note is here.

It is not even something that she said. It is not the text of the note, but the reminder of who she is. With the note I see her smiling on stage, during chaotic announcements. I see her swimming in the rain on our last day off. I see her tired face when she realizes that she has more to do, and resigns herself to get it done. Somehow with that resignation comes some relaxation in her face, and bit of a smile. Maybe she has me fooled, but I think that she loves what she is doing, and it reminds me that I love it too. Which set off a much larger realization of how much she has done this summer, and just how x-y she is.

So Damn you Ella, and Thank You. xo

MiXiM