April 28, 2000 April Wisdom Day
 

I saw her today. You know. She is the one that I gave my life to. We traded. She had some large part of mine and I had some large part of hers. Until she took hers back. She took it piece by piece and did not tell me until it was all gone. Then she handed back the pieces of my life that she had been holding, all at once. She held them out to me and I could not take them. She set them on the floor and I could not touch them. She walked away and I was left staring at the pieces of my life that she had left. Eventually I started to pick them up. Piece by piece. Slowly. Reluctantly. Now I think I have them all back and put away. I gave some to other people to hold on to. I bought a house to store some of them in. Those pieces of my life that are stored in my house. Those are the ones that I will not give away again.

I promised that I would not go to see her. I promised myself. I promised other people. I had hoped the promise would keep me from going. I was so drawn to see what it would be. Yet I was so afraid of what it would be.

Today was the perfect day to go. In the last hundred days I have not been better able to see her. In the next hundred I wouldnít have been better able to talk. The Beetle was impressive, happy, and freshly clean. We travel well together, the Beetle and I. I find that her moods are infectious. I was not as clean as the beetle, but I did have the outfit. My hair was not perfect, but it is not a perfect world. As I said, it was the best of 199 days to go. I was in the mood to wander as, I suppose, was the Beetle.

So I saw her and it was good. We laughed. We talked. We had lunch and caught up like old friends. We looked at pictures of that time when we were apart but together. She looked at pictures of Guatemala and I saw in a picture the ring that I wore to remember her by. I donít wear it now, and I had never noticed it in the photo before. I looked at pictures of Africa. She was wearing that necklace that I gave her, that she would never take off. She doesnít wear that now. It was good to see her with out that necklace and not focus on what was missing, but to see what is still there.

The test of the necklace was the test that I was drawn to take. It was the test that I feared I would fail again, as I had in October. It was the test that told me if I actually had all those pieces of my life back in place, or if maybe there were a few missing still.

In relationships, we should have book marks or back-up disks, so that when we mess up, we can just drop back to the last good spot. There is no analogy for this that is not computer related because, life never has been, and never will be like this. Regardless, I know just the spot I would go back to. It was that Thursday night in late June, 1997. I would go back to the spot just before I kissed her. I would give her a big hug and go to my bed and stay there. Do not mistake my intentions. I would never want to relive the whole thing. I wouldnít change one day. I just want to be where our friendship was the best, as just friends. I think that we will get there in time but it is a lot of work and a lot of recreation. If we had the bookmark, the saved disk, we could be back at a good place with the benefit of experience and memories. Remember what they say,îsave, save, save!î

I wrote this in my head as I traveled across the state. I churn words and practice speeches. When I get somewhere, I write it all down. It struck me as I practiced that I did the same thing the last time I saw her. The last time was very different. The Beetle was tired. It was late and cold. I was in a mood that caused trouble when our relationship was at itís best, so, I suppose, was the Beetle. The mood of death. I tried to stay the night with everyone as friends, but I had to leave. I drove home from 3:30 to 5:00 a.m. I saw a fox, a raccoon, a possum, and not one but two huge owls nearly smashed my windshield. I have been trying to figure out the meaning of the owls.

April 1 is April Foolís Day. Is April 28, April Wisdom Day? I feel that it is, this year at least.

MiXiM