M iXi M            

March 13, 2001  Half Hatched I


Or Digest ideas that never made it, and never will...
(but are ironically on your screen now)

June 5, 2000

Was it three weeks ago? I'll check my calendar. No it ended about a month ago and started about ten days before that. For over a week, I was having dreams. I didn't remember the dreams, but when I woke I would have the strangest urge. I wanted to do sit-ups. Can you imagine? I would guess not, since I still can't believe that it happened to me.

For that whole time I would wake up, and want to roll onto the floor andstart doing crunches. It was weird. Of course, I never did it. I felt crazyto have such a craving. “What did it mean?” I would lie in bedand wonder.

The craving was such that I could feel it in my stomach. I could feel the sit ups that I never did. You know that tight, tired, almost cramped feeling? It doesn't quite hurt, but almost. I could feel that, while lying in bed. I hadn't done a sit up in months. I would lie there and wonder. Was I hungry? Was I crazy? What does this craving mean? I would close my eyes and picture the sit ups. It didn't’t take much imagination, since I could already feel them. I was so close to getting up and doing some, but never did. It would have been so easy. I could have just rolled onto the floor, but I never did.

Sometimes I have dreams about running. And I wake with the urge to run. I can feel the running in my legs.  I have learned that when I dream of running, I have to go out and run. If I don't I keep dreaming about it until I do. It is a strange thing, but at least I have come to accept it as normal, for me anyway. I wasn't ready for this new sit up thing.

These past few days, I have felt kind of off base. I could blame it on alot of things. I hadn't slept well. My allergies have been bad. I think allthe bug bites have done something to me. The worst day was two days ago.I couldn't stand up. In the middle of the day, I basically collapsed. I wastrying to finish some work and knocked my head four times. Finally I gaveup and slept for two hours. That was better, but still I could not think.Then when it came time for bed, I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned allnight long. After that, I really felt crazy. I hate not sleeping.

I have been thinking about and trying to sort out the whole sit up thingfor the last month. I still had no clue. During that time I had the ideathat I should just try it out. Just do sit ups and see how they felt. I'vebeen toying with that idea since.

So yesterday, I was so fuzzy. I needed some way to clear my head, some routine to set me straight. Sit ups are the answer. I don't know if this is saneor not. You can give me feed back. So when I am confused, or more when Imy mind is spinning, which it has been doing a lot, I stop for a minute anddo twenty to fifty sit ups. Just to be clear, these are not full sit upsbut crunches where at least my full shoulder blade is off the floor. I havejust found this morning that going higher is good when I am particularlyfrustrated. Of course I can't work my abs, without considering the rest ofmy body, so I do push ups too. I have found it to be quite helpful.

I didn't want to write about what makes me do sit ups, because I know that just thinking about how my mind has been lately will require more sit ups. Two scenarios require sit ups. One: I am going somewhere to do something, and I realize that I have completely forgotten what I was going to do. Normally, I will literally walk in circles or, in a smaller space, pace until I have remembered or come up with a reasonable substitute. Now, I just stop anddo sit ups. The second and much more common is that I will be working onsomething, and my mind will start racing. I will be worrying about somethingelse, and not be focused on what I am doing. I suppose that is normal, tosome extent, but when my mind races, it will be three years ahead, and Ijust space out on what I am doing. I never get any work done that way.

So this is my daily log. I will let you know how it goes. Wednesday, I did 220 sit ups, and 97 push ups, since 4 pm. I already feel much clearer ingeneral, but also like I might be addicted to sit ups.

I have to go to town now, and I am concerned about running into frustration there, and having to do sit ups. I will do extra before I go, and have to do a lot when I come back. I am thinking a good third scenario is when Ihave to make decisions. I can't lie down in the aisle of the hardware storeto decided which paint to buy though. Damn it.

Thursday

The trip to town was less stressful than I imagined. The most trying part was the truck ride. It was an opportunity for a mind to race. For the past few days I have been afraid to drive. I have been so spcaey that I couldn't focus on the road. It was better today. I wasn't sure if mind wandering is the same as racing, and then not worth sit ups.

In fact, today, I have calmed down a lot and had to redefine some of my levels of distraction. I have found that mind wandering is not as bad as racing. When my mind is wandering, I can still stop it at will, and focus on what I am doing, when I need to. Then when I am doing something less demanding like driving or mowing, I can go back to wandering. I also realized a distinction between, being distracted and getting distracted. If I am distracted my whole mind is just gone. It is a state of being. If I get distracted it is just that the phone rang and I had to answer it. Getting distracted comes from an external source.

Just so you know, I am not relying on sit ups to solve all of my problems. This is what else I do when I am feeling insane.

All day yesterday, I wore a dust mask, to ward off the allergies. My head seemed a lot clearer and less achy. When I took the mask off for more than half an hour, I could feel a head ache coming back.

I clear clutter. I've written about this before, somewhere. Sometimes the outside world seems like an extension of my brain. Don't ask me how thatworks. In days like these, when my brain is cluttered, I see all the clutterin the outside world. It helps my brain to have it all gone.

I make lists. I found a long time ago, that if I write something down, then I can forget about it. There is a part of my mind that remembers everything that I have to know. If that gets to be too much, I get overwhelmed and stressed. So I have to start writing things down, so that part of my brain can geta break. I made a bunch of lists yesterday.

I eat tofu. Someone once told me that tofu was a mood regulator. Who knows if it is true? I am perfectly willing to accept, that it is a placebo effect. Either way, it seems to help. Tofu, the new comfort food.

And being a bit calmer, guess what my biggest worry of the day was? “Will I do as many sit ups as yesterday?” I think that was the whole point. If I am going to be obsessive about something, it should be something concrete that I can do something about, right then, and something that just doesn’t matter. It is worth pointing out that before yesterday, I had never donemore that 30 sit ups at one time, or even in a whole day.

So Thursday, I did 160 sit ups, 50 push ups, and 5 pull ups. I added thepull ups just to round out the regiment some more. I’ll have to domore today, just to get up to the bar.

Friday

It is Friday morning. I am feeling quite normal. I don't know what to credit for that. I had a good day at work yesterday. There are all those sit ups. I'd be willing to give some credit to how well I slept the last two night. I slept truly wonderfully. One could credit the sit ups indirectly for that. I didn't notice so much yesterday, but today, I woke feeling refreshed, even though it is a cloudy day. I don't ever feel refreshed on cloudy days. 

I had an epiphany, a realization, a “DUH”, on the way to work. It was the first time I had walked to work in over a week. And it felt so good. Duh, I knew that I needed some kind of routine like walking to andfrom work to keep me sane. And then I forgot, and then I went insane. Duh.It feels pretty silly. I also realized how amazing it is that epiphany, realization and duh, are the same thing. I feel this one was really a duh though.

And how did sit ups become my desperate attempt to stay sane, rather then me remembering to walk? That is what dreams are made of I suppose.
Friday, I did 160 sit ups and 61 push ups.

Saturday

I was too distracted and/or busy and/or lazy, to do any more than 20 situps. And I didn’t walk either, so I sent some time wondering what thisis all about again, and came to no conclusions.

Sunday

This morning, I kind of miss having done sit ups yesterday. At least I did my twenty. I’d like to have chosen this small project and have stuck to it for a bit. My internal goal was to do this for a week.