M iXi M            

February  7, 2000  Just where has he been for two weeks?


Have you ever wondered what I am up to when I don't write a digest in two or three weeks of two or three months? I am here to tell you that it is not that pretty.  At least this time around.

The last you heard I was looking for a job up here. Well, I have to admit I wasn't really motivated to find anything. I have enough that I want todo around the house, and I have enough credit that I just didn't want orneed a job.

I did a lot of stuff inside for a week or two. For some reason I just wasn't getting out, and then it started to build up. I just didn't have the energy to do anything outside. Then I didn't have the energy to do anything inside.

I watched a lot of TV. Sometimes eight hours a day. There really is nothing good on. I don't know why I do it. Just because, I don't have the motivation to do much else. I could lie in bed or watch TV. Those seem like the only options when you are in that mood.

I wouldn't have said that I was depressed. I was having 'motivational issues'. I didn't cook. I didn't do dishes. I didn't get any exercise. I slept a lot. I watched a lot of TV. I stayed hungry.

Other times when I don't write, it is because I am just too busy. I haveso much to do outside, and people to call. I get 15 emails a day, and hardly have time to read them. The email gauge may be a good indicator of motivational health. If I am checking my email 10-20 times a day and just waiting forsomething to happen to me, then I am in a low stage. If I am checking oncea day orless, and don't have time to respond, then I am geared up to go.

I know that everyone has some of these moods.  I don't suggest trying a winter in the woods to see what it does to the low points. I learned along time ago that I couldn't really fight them so I just settle in. I watchTV and enjoy it.

I settled in too much for this one.  I really should have been outside more. I am doing much more now. So now I am fighting back. I have plans to be cutting wood and working on my house, and trying to find some work just to keep me busy. One of my rules was not to be writing or checking emailall day, but I have failed yesterday and today. Tomorrow, I will get out.At least I am writing something.

When I am in this mood, I don't even know how to pick a new cd. I will listen to the same one over and over again. And sometimes I stick with the samesong for a whole day. My CD this time is Tears For Fears, 'Elemental'.I have been listening to it for weeks. All day unless, I am watching TV.Some days, like right now, I set it to repeat track ten. I can't even figureout what the song is about. Maybe that is part of the reason I have to listen to it over and over. I never knew the title until I checked so I could tell you. It is The goodnight song. The best praise I can give it is that it is poppy and catchy.

Sometimes when I get a song in my head I can get it out by playing it for a couple of days, but this one won't go away.

There are about five albums that find their way into repeat mode. I listened to 'The Wall' for about an entire year when I was 16 and dropping out ofhigh school. Tears for Fears, Songs from the big chair played for an entiresummer. I was recently told that a friend of mine can't bear to hear 'Shout'anymore, because of me. What can I do? There are a couple of Prince songstoo. They are not even good ones, so I'll let you guess what they are.

So that 'Goodnight Song', is still paying and I am still waiting for something to happen. I am sure that something exciting will come up. It is hard toget excited sometimes, though. I hope I can be ready.

Mixim


'Goodnight Song'

Here on the stage
The time has come
With the strains of "Be My Angel", of rock in two four
Time may keep alive that old swan song
That we've been playing forever
Till the time may be right to say good bye
My voice is aching, I'm tongue tired
And the sounds that we are  making are so uninspired

Goodnight song, played so wrong
Blame the crowd, they screamed so loud, so long

Get some honesty
Take the best of me and then the rest let go
In every situation with its tireless rage
Step outside your cage and let the real fool show
I should have stayed round to break the ice
I thought about it once of twice
But nothing ever changes unless there's some pain
And our...

Goodnight song, played so wrong
Blame the crowd, they screamed so loud, so long

Goodnight song, played so wrong
Blame the crowd, they screamed so loud, so long